The Pressure of fitting in

Dieses Gedicht habe ich im Dezember 2022 geschrieben.

When I was younger I loved writing.

Poems. Stories. Fan Fictions.

I spend all of my free time writing.
Dreaming.

And it’s been a while since I wrote something without any intention of ever publishing it.

But today was one of those days.

And even though I did not write this story for you. I write it for me.

I want to share it with you.

Maybe it will bring you hope as it did for me.

The Pressure of fitting in

Today was supposed to be fun. It was supposed to be a party.
But I pretty soon realized that I didn’t want to be here.

My G center screamed to just get out of there and I thought: But I can’t. It’s my boyfriends‘ friends birthday party. I have to be here. I just have to, right?

There were 70 people. I knew 3 of them. And they were all busy doing things, talking to people, enjoying themselves.

And I thought: Gosh, I have to do the same. I have to have fun. I have to be fun! I have to be fun and easy and enjoyable.

But all I felt inside was pressure. The pressure to be fun. The pressure to have a good time.

Even though, all I wanted to do was lie in bed and watch Netflix. This week was so busy. I met so many clients and created so much stuff. I just wanted to chill.

But I was invited weeks ago. This party was scheduled weeks ago. I have to stay now. I have to have fun.

Because that is what people are supposed to do, right? They go to a party, get drunk, and have an awesome time.

But big groups always scared me. I ever know how to act, what to do, and who to talk to.
Because I kind of never learned how to be in a big group of people.

My family is tiny and at school or uni, I was always a loner. I had like 1 friend and the rest of the time I was sitting in a corner reading a book.

I just don’t know how to do it.

And tonight I felt that pretty horribly. The pressure. The fatigue.

People always exhaust me. I am an introvert through and through.

When I was in uni I went to parties every weekend. Like EVERY weekend.
But I always got drunk. Like REALLY drunk.

And I think that is a big difference. I was always able to turn my pressure off by getting drunk.

Then other people’s aura couldn’t penetrate me as much. I couldn’t feel them as much.

But now – even when I drink – I just feel lost.

And it gives me the feeling of not meeting other people’s expectations.

It makes me feel different. It makes me feel alone.

I don’t really know where it comes from. Maybe it is the openness in my chart. Maybe – or probably – it is my open solar plexus. Maybe it is my penetrating aura.

Maybe I am just missing a tool how to block out other people’s feelings.

But either way. Tonight I wished I was different. Tonight I wished I was „more fun“, more open, more of a party girl.

I know that this feeling will pass. It won’t stay forever. My life does not enroll around partying and going out. It will be ok again.

But for now. The feeling will stay. It will stay a while. And that is ok. Because that is life, right? And tomorrow. Or in a few days. I will feel fine again.

Because I didn’t push myself. I didn’t force myself to stay. To have fun. To be different. I stayed true to myself even though it hurts. And even though it makes me feel sad.

And even though I can’t see it now. I know that in a few days I will thank myself for the decision. I will thank myself for leaving the party after less than 2 hours to spend time with myself. To nurture me. To be with me. And with all the feelings I feel right now.

That is self-love. That is self-respect. And this is hope.